"the time has come,'the walrus said', to talk of many things." confirmation is key. it's untainable at the moment. time is not in our hands. God has his say. we don't. i'm very unstable. my mind has a mind of it's own. a simple sentence, a simple phrase....a simple word out of a loved ones mouth can affect my body in the most dangerous ways. compulsions, vibrations, numbness, and fear. fear. perfect love cast out fear. in some cases, being out of air makes it easier to execpt death. i think "is it my time? the time has come..." and i embrace no oxygen all around me. no. no. i need to breathe. so i do. my lungs are black and gooey. theres' a lack of clean air. but it's there. "you can breathe, you can breathe now. you can breathe-but the air is running out."
that is powerful. temporary air. is breathing really involuntary? not for me.
brainwash
clocks continute to tick. the silence is heavy and firm. but that tick, tick, tick ceases to live and let die. emotions absorb the brain. thoughts caputre rather than release. it's prison. striving for freedom doesn't come first. the heart rate is high, while the face, arms, and legs go numb. panic. it's all in your mind sweetheart. just breathe.
About Me
- ~alina coolkat~
- litte rock, ar, United States
- hi. my name is alina coolkat freeman. i live in little rock arkansas (unfortunatly). i'm a screen-play writer, striving to finish school in california. the story of my life...bitter for sweet. i created this blog so i can freely write from time to time. it feels good, but you know i want to cry out. ;) enjoy everyone, follow me as i follow you.
i need you so much closer
caleb, my love
caleb fucking feeney
caleb holds my heart. the enitre pulse. long suffering was endured summer of 09'. and lil skunkers (caleb) took care of me. i don't see how anyone could have put up with me because i was such a monster. yes. this girl is a monster. ;) i was a mess. a mess that caleb stuck to. he was there when times were bitter. and now he is here while times are sweet. i love you, caleb.
under-neath the soul "lies" truth
everyday, when you pass by human beings on the road, in the store or down the street. you connect with them, whether you realize this or not. the eye contact comes next. and you stare for a second. perhaps you even look down but you always lock eyes...just once more. the stranger says, "hello. how are you today?" you smile and say "hey, i'm doing fine, and you?".... then you have random, bullshit small talk and you usually never meet again...
i hate this. so fucking much. why can't we be honest with the bodies we encounter? don't you long to kiss the stranger at times? or slap the stranger? or just be truthful. the truth. surrounding your very first conversation with the stranger with "truth". it would scare the shit out of them. how do i know this? today i did an experiement and i did the unthinkable. i was honest.
i ventured off to jonesboro, arkansas where nothing but trouble (for me) happens. i had to go to court and pay a final fine (that was long over-due). and because of the late-ness i had to actually explain to the judge why i didn't mail in my payment this past summer.
so my father and i, make it to the craighead county courthouse. and when it was my turn to go before the prune-headed judge i was already in the middle of a fucking panic attack. i didn't know what to expect from this opa.
surprisingly, he asked me how i was doing. he said, "ms freeman? you doin' okay today?" i said. "well......" then he said "do you plead guilty of non payable fines?" i said "yes---but i need to say something..." he said "go ahead".
i said "judge...your honor, please forgive my shaky voice, my heavy breathing, my sweaty palms, and my teary eyes. i'm having a panic attack so i will be brief. yes i'm guilty of putting off paying these stupid fines, and this is why...this past summer i got kicked out of my house and i had no where to live. i was a 'couch-hopper'. meaning i lived with friends, i was a bum. it was awful. anyway i had to quit my fucking dumbass job at IHOP because i couldn't find stable transportation. and i just got a job and moved back in with my parents in November. this is why i'm here. i have ALL of your money. i've been saving. but what i don't fucking understand is how you people can issue a warrant out for my arrest and not tell me. you didn't say shit. not dittily squat. you didn't mail me a letter, you didn't give me a call. so what the fuck do you expect from me? i refuse to pay anything other than what i owe, no more. no less."
the judge looked at me told me to take a seat on the side and to calm down bc i was yelling and shaking...and yes, i was a mess. so i sat. and i think he thought i was psycho. because i didn't LIE and tell him i was "fine". i told him the fucking truth. what he deserved to hear. what every human being deserves to hear. anyway, he only gave me my original charge (which was $360) and 2 days of community service. and i'm so down with that because i get to work at the fire department. no worries here. (just kidding. i always worry)
seriously though, next time someone ask you how your doing...be honest. and see what happens. do something "not normal". every human being needs to spice it up a bit. i did. and it was great.
try it.
sweetheart
her smile makes my world alright
sandi, baby
oh, sandi. so there is this girl...her name is sandi.
i've never believed in love at first sight until her. this... strikingly beautiful, gorgeous young woman, who is the stongest person i know. her world is crazy. and day by day she survives. i love that girl. i'm blessed to have her in my life. and yes...it was fate.
i've never believed in love at first sight until her. this... strikingly beautiful, gorgeous young woman, who is the stongest person i know. her world is crazy. and day by day she survives. i love that girl. i'm blessed to have her in my life. and yes...it was fate.
wifey
crazy cool wifey, kylie
milk
she saw my comb over, her hour glass body,
she had problems with drinking milk and being school tardy,
she'll loan you her toothbrush, she'll bartend yo partay. ;)
i love you, kylie (aka wifey)
she had problems with drinking milk and being school tardy,
she'll loan you her toothbrush, she'll bartend yo partay. ;)
i love you, kylie (aka wifey)
delilah jessica penelope
i've been tired for days and days...and days
jessica. you, babygurl, you. hey, God put you in my life for a very important reason. i feel like shit though. honestly. you were so innocent before you met josh, and i.
but i feel good all the while. why? because you are stronger. no human being on this planet is ever going to walk all over you again. your no ones' welcome mat. tha hell you look like?! ha. exactly. you have grown so much. and i love you more than you can even comprehend. i have so many fond memories with you. the days where we had no where to go, no where to be, and nothing to do...but eachother ;). thats what i love about you and i. we can hop in your jeep, not knowing where we're venturing off to, knowing we're probably going to get pulled over by the cops because of drug use while driving, or just plain running out of gas. nothing mattered. we just drove. for hours and hours. and it was wonderful. i miss those days. and now you and i are on house arrest. aha shit happens right? we shall be free soon my love. very very soon. and this time. i'll rescue you. i promise. black bird fly. black bird fly.
but i feel good all the while. why? because you are stronger. no human being on this planet is ever going to walk all over you again. your no ones' welcome mat. tha hell you look like?! ha. exactly. you have grown so much. and i love you more than you can even comprehend. i have so many fond memories with you. the days where we had no where to go, no where to be, and nothing to do...but eachother ;). thats what i love about you and i. we can hop in your jeep, not knowing where we're venturing off to, knowing we're probably going to get pulled over by the cops because of drug use while driving, or just plain running out of gas. nothing mattered. we just drove. for hours and hours. and it was wonderful. i miss those days. and now you and i are on house arrest. aha shit happens right? we shall be free soon my love. very very soon. and this time. i'll rescue you. i promise. black bird fly. black bird fly.
back n tha day
i should tell you
"i should tell i blew the candle out just to get back in."
who knows where, who goes there. trusting desire, starting to learn, walking through fire, without a burn. clinging our shoulder how it begins.....
the three of us took huge risk in friendships. we tripped, we rolled, we fought, we cried, we tweaked, we betrayed, we tormented, we loved. we loved. we loved.
and we turned out more than fine. :)
p.s.
"i'd forgotten how to smile, until your candle burned my skin."
who knows where, who goes there. trusting desire, starting to learn, walking through fire, without a burn. clinging our shoulder how it begins.....
the three of us took huge risk in friendships. we tripped, we rolled, we fought, we cried, we tweaked, we betrayed, we tormented, we loved. we loved. we loved.
and we turned out more than fine. :)
p.s.
"i'd forgotten how to smile, until your candle burned my skin."
you can breathe now
ahzi
my love
ahzahdeh neshat
oh, ahzi-boo. our friendship has been crazy. we're theater geeks. we dated the same guy...at the same time. ahahaha and we were cool with it. looking back though...i wish i just would have dated you. ;) you are an incredible woman. living out there on your own in california. i'm so very proud of you. writting you letters it's lots of fun. and i can't wait for you to read them. you will always hold a special place in my heart. and believe me, i cannot wait to move to LA. because i need you so much closer. as much as we talk, it seems like your right here, next to me, in my room. but your sooo far away. not for long pretty princess. i love you. i love you. i love you.
trixie
taunt me. tease me.
undisclosed desires.
i am in love with you.
every letter...i linger on.
every tone....every phrase.
every face.
your beauty isn't a farce.
this is wicked, what you do to me.
i have your innocence.
trust me, you are the one.
trust me, i am the one.
there will be others, love.
and you'll leave.
yes, you will leave me.
torture me.
go on.
i can't be sure.
a lover like no other
megan burges :)
dear megan,
first and for-most, i miss you like crazy.
you my darling are seriously the most loving, genuine gal i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. your heart is...HUGE!
and when i think of you and your warm smile.....it feels good.
i love you. and i know i don't tell you or see you enough.
p.s. for all of the viewers, megan is the most amazing, creative, intelligent photographer in the universe. check her out. :)
"Megan Burges Photography" on facebook. join the group and look at the wonderful work shes done. =]
first and for-most, i miss you like crazy.
you my darling are seriously the most loving, genuine gal i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. your heart is...HUGE!
and when i think of you and your warm smile.....it feels good.
i love you. and i know i don't tell you or see you enough.
p.s. for all of the viewers, megan is the most amazing, creative, intelligent photographer in the universe. check her out. :)
"Megan Burges Photography" on facebook. join the group and look at the wonderful work shes done. =]
Monday, January 25, 2010
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